4 Ways in Which Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Failed Me as A Fan

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Paper Bindings | 4 Ways in Which Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Failed Me as A Fan | TITLE: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Parts One and Two (Harry Potter #8) AUTHOR: J.K. Rowling, John Tiffany, Jack Thorne RELEASE DATE: July 31st 2016 PUBLISHER: Little Brown UK ★
TITLE: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Parts One and Two (Harry Potter #8)
AUTHOR: J.K. Rowling, John Tiffany, Jack Thorne
RELEASE DATE: July 31st 2016
PUBLISHER: Little Brown UK
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“Based on an original new story by J.K. Rowling, Jack Thorne and John Tiffany, a new play by Jack Thorne, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is the eighth story in the Harry Potter series and the first official Harry Potter story to be presented on stage. The play will receive its world premiere in London’s West End on July 30, 2016.

It was always difficult being Harry Potter and it isn’t much easier now that he is an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children.

While Harry grapples with a past that refuses to stay where it belongs, his youngest son Albus must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes, darkness comes from unexpected places.”

Harry Potter is not and will never be my favorite series ever.

Le gasp.

I know.

The Harry Potter series, both books and movies, will forever be a crucial part of my childhood and young adult years. I own every book, and watched every movie. The four Hogwarts houses are even, mostly, true to life representations of my core group of friends. Harry Potter means a lot to me.

While there is no doubt Harry Potter taking over the world like it did has done some wonderful things for young adult books and reading in general, I have to say this series is the biggest offender when it comes to hype.

And calling Harry Potter and the Curse Child an official book in the Harry Potter series has crushed my love for these books.

4 Ways in Which Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Failed Me as A Fan

(1) Glorified Fanfiction:

I can’t believe J. K. Rowling signed off on this book. I refuse to call Cursed Child an official book, it is fanfiction. 

Common aspects of fanfiction that Cursed Child uses:
  • Let’s bring back dead characters!
  • Let’s have magical secret love child!
  • Let’s play with romantic ships!
  • Let’s completely break every magical rule established in the official books to suit our own "new" plot!

(2) The Characters:

Who were these people? I know people change over the years, but no one changes that much.

How does Harry go from ‘I wish I had a family who loved me’ to ‘the Weasley’s and Order members loved me and I understand that family is what you make it to be’ to the world’s worst father? He neglected and ignored his son. Then, for a guy who only survived to adulthood because of the sacred bond of friendship, he completely disregarded his son’s one friendship and yelled at him over it.

Harry was stupid and judgmental, and for a guy that named his kids after two great and misunderstood wizards, highly houseist. (Seriously, let’s just all bash Slytherins.)

Ginny was a plot device. Her whole purpose was to be the caring mother role and to tell Harry when he was being a fucking moron.

Ron was too stupid to live.

I can’t tell you what I think of Hermione because it involves book spoilers, but I’ll just say without certain kissing, she’s the world’s angriest witch.

James was just like his namesake, an asshole.

Rose was a stuck up little bitch.

Albus was a whinny baby.

Draco was a cross between his father and, I don’t really know, but he wasn’t that guy who gestured to Harry in the epilogue.

Which brings me to Scorpius, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’s only likable character with any depth. He was the only thing redeemable part of this book at all. In fact, the book should be called, “Harry Potter and who gives a fuck about his child but his child's BFF is interesting.”

(3) The Plot:

*insert crazy laughter here*

What plot?

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child started by ripping off the epilogue of the last book, and turning it into a stepping stone for a convoluted and Deus ex Machina plot. Everything that happened was either boring, predictable, or convenient. Need a way to solve the problem? Don’t worry, you’ll stumble upon it on the next page.

The first, I don’t know how many pages, was simply us flash forwarding through Albus’s life. The only important bit was that he ended up in Slytherin and everyone hated him except for his lone Slytherin pal, Scorpius. Oh, and everyone hated Scorpius because he was rumored to be the love child of Draco’s unimportant wife and Lord Voldemort.

Nothing happened, aside from making me hate these characters and this world, for several hundred pages. I love plays, and have never had a problem reading one and imagining the scenes before. But it’s hard to be entertained when nothing but boring talking happens.

(4) Magic? What magic?

Magic was part of what made the real Harry Potter series good. They learned spells, had flying lessons, and faced bad guys in dangerous and deadly fights.

There was very little magic in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. And what was there seemed to contradict what we learned in the series.
Poly juice potion, anyone?


I was nervous about reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child in the first place. 

It turned out I was right to be wary. I am so pissed at myself for reading this book and tainting my love for this series, because I’m no longer the fan I was prior to reading this book. 

The plot was boring and unoriginal. 

Cursed Child made me hate the characters I loved, which were only one sided stereotypical versions of who they used to be. I will never be able to unread this book, and because of that I will always be angry at my old friends for the actions this official fanfiction forced upon them.

The Slytherin bashing was outrageous, so much for any fucking harmony at Hogwarts. Why bother to have the fourth house anymore?

As if that wasn't enough, Hufflepuffs had one great member and Cursed Child destroyed that memory with some convoluted bullshit reasoning for a completely out of character action. What about Ravenclaws, you ask? They weren’t important in this book at all.

Because of the Cursed Child, I’m over my Harry Potter years. I refused to accept this book as an official book, and I am retiring Harry Potter. I will still rewatch and reread the originals, but I will never again buy or read another book set in this universe.

It is pass time for the author to put this series to rest and focus on another set of characters in another fictional world.

Official Judgement

Pass! Do not buy, do not borrow, skip this book if you want to keep your love for all things Harry Potter intact and untarnished.

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