So You Think You're A Villain? | A List Of Things You Should Never Do

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Paper Bindings - So You Think You're A Villain? | A List Of Things You Should Never Do

Being me, I've always been the hero of my own story...except for when I'm not.

Because let's face it, who hasn't had a day where they wanted to be the villain, forget the rules, and just run amuck.

So my villainy companions, if you are going to make it out there in the real world, here are ten things I wouldn't do if I was a you.


(1) ...cackle.What are you the Wicked Witch of the West? Is this Halloween and I didn’t get the memo? Do not cackle. If you are going for scary, a cold, quiet laugh is much more frightening. Make me wonder what you’re truly laughing about.

(2) ...spill your guts like some sort of child with his first golden star.The whole diabolical scheme isn’t that dastardly if you tell the hero exactly how he can stop you right before you accomplish your goals. And if the hero cannot figure out your plan on his own, or at least enough to come up with some vague idea how to stop you, then you deserve to win. But, NOT IT YOU TALK.

(3) ...dress like a "villain."Do you really need to wear all black, gothic boots, and eyeliner for me to realize you’re the baddie of the story? Um…no, so don’t do it. Unless you look, or I'd imagine you'd look, hot in black. Darkling, I'm looking at you. You might as well run around pointing to your new sparkly tattoo, you know, the one that says you’re a speshel villain? Have some class my friend.

(4) ...set yourself up to fail.Yes, I get it. In most books, the hero overcomes his trials and defeats the bad guys. Victory, huzzah. *waves flag* So you know you’re going to fail. Big whoop. Let’s not hand the hero everything he needs to beat you, shall we? Make him work for it.

(5) ...act stupid.This one is tied closely to the previous one. You didn’t get to be the CEO of the big corporation or ruler of the kingdom by forgetting to post guards around *fill in the blank with key plot point/place here* thus allowing the hero to gain a foothold/escape from his doom/etc. If you are supposed to be this smart and powerful being, then act like it.

(6) ...kidnap the love interest.Harming/threatening to harm love interest = automatic game over. Killing animals, maiming people, burning cities? You’re good –err, not…- but do not touch the love interest. Nothing is going to piss off the hero more, and then it’s bye-bye time.

(7) ...gloat at the big moment before your victory is assured.What do they teach you in villain school nowadays? Rape, pillage, burn, and THEN party. Notice there is no gloating there. Why? Because gloaters die. Then never make it to the party stage were we all bask in your greatness, o great and powerful overload. So if you want to reap the rewards of villaindom, keep your lips sealed.

(8) ...forget to have a valid goal.Why are you evil my friend? Puppy ate your homework? Daddy run over your bike? WHY are you the way you are? What ruined your childhood? What disturbed your adolescence? What trashed your adulthood? WHO – WHAT – WHERE – WHY – HOW? You are not evil simply because you say you are. Something had to make you the way you are, and I want to know what makes you tick.

(9) ...wait until the end to make your appearance. Okay, I don’t have to meet you face to face until the climax. But I darn well better be able to look back and sense your influence during key points. What’s the point of being an evil ruler if you cannot micromanage your holdings? What good are you then?

(10) ...hire incompetent lackeys.This makes you look bad, because their actions reflect on you. This makes the hero look bad, because he’s an idiot when they trip him up. How can I possibly take you seriously when I’m too busy laughing at you’re the bozos who represent you?

So, my villainy friends, I hope you've learned several important lessons today. Keep these reminders in your two sizes two small hearts, and maybe the next victory will be yours.

What do you guys think? What are your villain pet peeves?


  1. Yeah, I agree with all of the these. I hate when villains announce their plans - I mean really?!

    1. I'm going to tell you EXACTLY how to defeat me and give you all the time you need to enact your plan, as I brag about my own one.


  2. Replies
    1. Being October, I just couldn't resist. :)


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